Soon after its apparition, the Pink Dildo was already emitting it's subtle influence on the still rudimentary human psyche.

The first experiments were hazardous, as there was still no elaborated knowledge to differentiate between pleasure and pain.

Artefact N° 1

One of the earliest sextoys, dating approx. the same period as the apparition of the original megalith. This rarity was discovered in the remains of a neanderthalian lady’s hand bag in a cave, near Bagdhad.

At the dawn of mankind, the Pink Dildo was considered as a threat and affront to manliness, causing many dramas. 

The problem is still not solved today.

Even after millenia of education, a majority of males still ignore the proper - and sacred - use of the Pink Dildo. To solve this ongoing issue, the human species is gradually evolving towards hermaphrodism.  

To prevent any blossoming of women which would cause the loss of patriarchic power, religious authorities have invented all kinds of fables around birth. 

We would be born in cabbages, roses, or brought by storks. As for Venus, she would have been born in a shell. 

The Pink Dildo is also the source of many artistic endeavours. 

The myth of Pandora is attributed to Hesiod, who was afraid of women. It conveys the idea of “Any source of great and unexpected troubles”, or “A present which seems valuable but which in reality is a curse”.

A peculiar way to consider women’s pleasure.  

Da Vinci’s famous model posing for an advertisement for the Pink Dildo.

Lisa tried to explain the effects of the Pink Dildo to Leonardo, without success: he was obsessed with the idea of building a flying machine. 

Manners evolve, slowly, and often thanks to art, as in this ancient image of the Vitruvian Woman.  Alas, the artist has demonstrated his ignorance; a single Pink Dildo is more than enough.

As an artefact of pleasure, the Pink Dildo can sometimes have weird effects on sensible minds, specially during times of intense religious stupidity. 

Caravaggio’s nightmarish visions of female seduction shows the danger of letting frustrated beings dictate the roadmap to heaven.

Another fascinating aspect of the Pink Dildo: its utilisation as an instrument of peace and harmony. Mars was specially interested to see how Venus used it, to the point of forgetting his weapons. However, he still prefers to play with his penis.

Life during the golden age of the caliphates was challenging for the women living in the harems. The Pink Dildos were strictly forbidden, women being the toys of the males in power. 

This led to surprising experiments. 

The Middle Age was another difficult time for women. Batteries were horribly expensive and scarce.

The clever women who managed to recharge the batteries with self-made solar panels were burned at the stake. 

To attract the favors of Cleopatra who often mislaid her Pink Dildos, Julius Caesar invented the first lost and found office. Unfortunately too much bureaucracy ruined this great initiative.   

The lust for power has led some men to steal Pink Dildo, hoping that used as a scepter, it would consolidate their authority. It never worked, but half the population had a good laugh. 

In Constantinople, while their bearded husbands were doing their evening prayers, the women were enjoying a moment of serenity in the basements of Ste-Sophia Cathedral.

First a Byzantine temple, then a mosque, Ste-Sophia was transformed into a museum before becoming a mosque again very recently, for reasons more political than religious. 

The year 325 was an annus horribilis. Constantine organized the first council of Nicea - all mentions of reincarnation and of the Pink Dildo influence were  expunged from the Sacred Scriptures.

It was a very cold winter, but Constantine cut the electricity in all households, for obvious reasons.

For a long time, the Heaven Bureau of Investigation has considered the widespread usage of the Pink Dildo as a direct threat to their business model for Ascension.

Agents disguised as Seraphims were sent to Earth to confiscate these instruments of lust. 

Already in the 14th century Ming dynasty, Chinese traders tried to take over the Pink Dildo world market with exotic toys of various shapes and functions.

Their strategy was a failure, none of these toys possessed the magical qualities of the authentic Pink Dildo.

History was written by men, usually by the victors. Myths and legends also, as this painting shows. 

It is assumed that the nymphs crave the satyr, yet he is beaten up for attempting to steal a Pink Dildo.

Women have always been used for unworthy work, first as slaves, then as wage laborers, a civilized version of slavery. At the time, they even had to deposit their Pink Dildo in the boss's office during working hours.

During the Victorian period and thanks to the new advances of science, women’s sexual desires were diagnosed as hysteria. Scared and confused, the medical profession did various experiments to solve this annoying problem.

Manners were particularly prudish during the reign of Mary Stuart. Women who did not deny their natural impulses had to use complex stratagems to keep their precious Pink Dildos. 

In Paris, during the Belle Epoque (~ 1870), the upper part of the sidewalk posts were decorated with Pink Dildos. These were all stolen and sold on the black market during the 1929 crisis.

In the early days of telecommunications, small Pink Dildos were used as connectors. It was proven that it made the conversations more pleasurable.

With the invention of microchips, this use was abandoned. Do motherboards feel pleasure?

Artefact N° 3
The first motherboard who had an orgasm

In the original plans for the Battersea power station, huge Pink Dildos replaced the current chimneys. This was to help reduce carbon pollution and diffuse aphrodisiac particles in the London sky.

After years of intense lobbying, UNESCO has finally listed the Pink Dildo as a World Heritage Symbol. Various monuments are being renovated.

Animal welfare movements finally succeeded in abolishing the cruel treatment of bulls. The people clamoring for bread and games, a new form of entertainment has been developed.

The Pink Dildo also inspired underground artists in the sixties, giving rise to a flowering of new artistic expressions. Yes, the dildo in the illustration is yellow, but Andy Warhol was color blind.

In Catholic countries, pilgrimages to the Madonna of the Pink Dildo are still common today, in the hope of regaining fertility or a lost love.

To give a new patriotic impulse and counterbalance the damages of the 2020 lockdown, the US government launched a new space program, “Fly me to the stars”. The rocket never worked, due to insoluble problems of vibrations.

During the 1994 foosball competition, an athlete surreptitiously replaced the figures with Pink Dildos, and won the competition. She subsequently lost her title, this practice having been considered doping

Faced with an avalanche of sex scandals within the Church and hoping to divert the attention of the faithful, the governing bodies of the Vatican ordered the use of candles reminiscent of Pink Dildos during the celebrations.

The ordination of women remains prohibited.

This most surprising mutation of the Pink Dildo appeared in the mid 2020’s. The baffled scientists said: “It’s the virus that heals everything!” 

Artefact N° 4
Rare mutation of the Pink Dildo

In a desperate attempt to perpetuate their vision of global health, the pharmaceutical lobbies have influenced the WHO to have the organization regulate the use of Pink Dildos. The resulting popular uprising remains in all memories.

After millennia of oppression, misery and suffering, the truth had to come out. All over the world, women and men unplugged from  an outdated psychic software, stating that "enough is enough!" Humanity was taking its first steps into a new era.