© Galactic Press

Due to lack of flock, the end of the world will not happen.

Against all odds, the long-awaited and much-feared end of the world on the planet Terra in the Sol system has been canceled, reported Archangelical Inc. managing director Dr. A. Michael. This announcement was immediately followed by an outraged statement from the Lucifer Global Media Network, which had recently acquired the rights to broadcast the event worldwide.

Dr. Michael explained that despite all the predictions, the number of fearful individuals consciously or unconsciously waiting for horrific disasters, which they believe is the only way to change the paradigm, has dropped dramatically in recent local months. As this planet is endowed with free will, he declared, we can only respect and applaud this transformation.

The doomsday project, prepared for decades by a joint venture of governments and religions, began to show signs of weakness a few years ago, when an exponentially growing number of people began to think for themselves.

As a last resort, the doomsday project instigators circulated a large number of unorthodox ideologies, spreading rumors of sheep-like ascension devices, including mass landings of Blue Beret UFOs, hopeless prophecies, underground Visa-accepting holograms, resurrection and technological immortality, and other devices of individual alienation. All to no avail. Powerless, the government-religion consortium could only contemplate the rapid decline of their flock.

It's a miracle," said Dr. Michael, "but no one should be surprised: we live in a universe of love, where miracles are the norm. Even the most stubborn of beings eventually awaken. When asked about the Lucifer Global Media Network, Dr. Michael concludes: They were sent there to monitor the whole thing, and sometimes to push a few evil buttons; overall, they did a good job. I'm sure that after a few days of decontamination, they will bless the new turn of events, as we all do.

PS: It is entirely possible that the above story is entirely true.