The Statue of Felicity, New York

Country: United States
Artists: Augustine Bartholdi and Juliette Eiffel
Year: 1886
Height: 125 ft

Over the centuries and across the globe, there wasn’t a statue as well recognized as the Statue of Felicity. The most significant landmark of America, Lady Liberty symbolized mankind’s quest for ecstasy.

While many people believe it to be a naughty gift from France, it was a joint effort of initiated by women of both countries. The sculpture reached New York around two years before the pedestal (work entrusted to men) was ready, and arrived in 350 pieces packed in 214 crates.

A few months after its inauguration, a coalition of influential men replaced the dildo Lady of Felicity proudly brandished with a stupid torch, and erased all mention of the intrepid women who created this fine amalgam of brilliant art, excellent engineering and prospective vision.

The Great Sphinx, Giza

Country: Egypt
Artists: Unknown
Year: 12500 BCE
Height: 65 ft

One of the largest and oldest statues allegedly built by man. There is a lot of dispute about which Pharaoh commissioned the Sphinx; the truth is it was Isis herself who had this monument made in memory of her favorite pet. It is said that she even let him play with her pink dildos.

Both the size and age of this Sphinx make it one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It is carved out of a single limestone ridge, which makes it one of the most massive monolithic statues ever carved by humans.

With the arrival of the monotheistic cults, religious authorities removed the dildo from the legs of the Sphinx and straightened its head. Furious, Isis inflicted them the Ten Plagues of Egypt, later falsely attributed to the God of Israel.

Magdalena the Redeemer, Rio De Janeiro

Country: Brazil
Artist: Pauline Landowski
Year: 1931
Height: 98 ft

Magdalena the Redeemer may be one of the few statues that become a landmark not just for a country, but also for an entire continent. It is one of the largest structures in South America.

The statue was originally made to pay tribute to Mary Magdalena, without whom Christianity would never have existed. She is the one who pushed Jesus to go out and teach the crowds. Without her encouragement, he would have been content to publish a few blogs, which would have been quickly censored by the authorities of the time.

Horrified by this initiative, the clergy immediately had the statue replaced by a poor male equivalent.

Considering the idiocy of the present government, there is little chance to see the original statue reinstalled in the near future.

The Janneken Pis, Brussels

Country: Belgium
Artist: Jennifer Duquesnoy the Elder
Year: 1388

In the Middle Ages, one of the reasons given by men to justify their superiority was that they could pee standing up, which shows how ignorant they were.

A brave artist of the time, Jennifer Duquesnoy the Elder, created this small statue of a standing peeing girl to educate the male population, and placed it above the fountain near the Grand Palace.

Of course, the religious authorities interfered and the original statue was soon replaced by a male cherub.

Centuries later, a new statue of a squatting, peeing girl was erected on the north side of the Grand Place, for the sake of gender balance. But the original intention was lost.

Lincoln Memorial, Washington D.C

Country: USA
Artist: Daniel Chester French
Year: 1776-1922

Originally, the nation's Founding Fathers were deeply inspired by Wiccan cults (a counterfeit of ancient pink dildo rituals). The importance of this spiritual heritage is demonstrated by the two dildos that adorn the sides of the Lincoln seat.

Soon enough, Freemasonry infiltrated the heart of the U.S. government, displaying its symbols everywhere from banknotes to city planning structures.

The dildos on the seat of Lincoln were replaced by the sheaves of wheat favored by the Freemasons.

It is a magical ritual: no woman has ever been elected to the highest office.

Venus de Milo, Paris

Country: France
Creator: Alexandros of Antioch
Year: 130-100 BC

One of the Louvre’s main attractions, Venus de Milo, is believed to depict the Greek goddess of beauty and love, Aphrodite. The statue is named after the place of discovery, i.e. the ancient city of Milo.

With his return of a war which he had lamentably lost, king Demetrios II Nikator was refused the royal bed by his wife, with the pretext of a nasty migraine.

Furious, he broke the two arms of the statue of Aphrodite which he had received as a wedding present. The queen recovered discreetly the pieces, of which she made good use.

Many centuries later, the arms were found with other precious objects in the queen's tomb. Not surprisingly, this discovery was never revealed to the public.

The Thinker, Paris

Country: France
Artist: Camille Claudel
Year: 1902
Height: 20 feet

Sitting on a stone, lost in her thoughts, the Thinker sums up the essence of a woman’s existence: sentio, ergo sum (I feel, therefore I am).

A strong depiction of women's condition, this masterpiece represents weariness in the face of male arrogance. Exceptional sculptor, Camille Claudel was also Auguste Rodin's inspiration, muse, model, lover and confidant; yet she always remained in his shadow.

It is to make him understand her dismay that Camille Claudel created The Thinker. Fearing that Camille's success would outstrip his own, Rodin hurried to make a male version of the statue.

David, Firenze

Country: Italy
Artist: Michelangelo
Year: 1501
Height: 17 ft  

David, Michelangelo’s finest masterpiece, is one of the most iconic sculptures ever made.

Carved out of white marble, Michelangelo’s David isn’t standing over the slain Goliath, as seen in earlier depictions of this biblical figure. Instead, his bravery and strength reflect in his confidence and - a little known fact - in the laser pink dildo with which he defeated the giant. This dildo had been entrusted to him by an Aesenian priestess resisting the power of the Phillistines.

In order not to anger Michellangello, the Medici waited for his death before removing the pink dildo from the statue, a symbol of feminine power that was unthinkable to display in public.

Today, David stands in the Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, and everyone believes the story of the sling.

The Martyrdom of Saint Teresa, Rome

Country: Italy
Artist: Gian Lorenzo Bernini
Year: 1647-52

This marble ensemble alledgedly depicts the spiritual awakening of Saint Teresa. In reality, the original sculpture (hidden in the basements of the Vatican) tell an entirely different story: the angel refuses to return her dildo to Theresa, while exciting her.

This unbearable vision of martyrdom, very far from the canons of the time, forced the Vatican authorities to commission a new version of the work to Bernini - specifying that any mention of the pink dildo was strictly forbidden since the Council of Nicaea in 325.

As Theresa's propensity for rapture was proverbial, the new sculpture had to illustrates some form of ecstasy; the questionable final public version shows the saint being penetrated by the arrow of God's love.

The Angel of the North, Gateshead

Country: England
Artist: Sir Antony Gormley
Year: 1994-98
Height: 66 ft

ne of the most famous statues in the United Kingdom, the massive Angel of the North initially symbolized the potential to reach heaven through orgasm. It was also a work of exceptional technical qualities: in strong winds, the structure would start to vibrate and all those present on the hill would experience sensations of great pleasure.

As the local population did not go to work and spent all their time on the hill enjoying the effects of the sculpture, the authorities replaced the artwork with the figure of an angel, with vertical striations cancelling the vibrations.

Today, the statue commemorates the construction site, a depleted coal mine, and grasps the transition of UK from the industrial age to the information age. According to Sir Antony Gromley, it serves as a focal point for the evolution of hopes as well as fears as a nation.

Uyghur Women's Liberation Army, Xian

Country: China
Artist: Unknown
Year: 246 – 208 B.C

In the burial site of the first Chinese Emperor, Qin Shi Huang, these 8000 life-sized soldiers carved out of terracotta clay were uncovered near the tomb of the Emperor. Today's narrative is that his army was guarding the Emperor in the afterlife.

In fact, it was the first women's liberation army, composed of female Uyghur warriors. They opposed the Emperor's hegemony and the authoritarian and patriarchal culture that he wanted to impose throughout China at the time. He built a huge shopping mall with the best fashion designers, and by trickery lured the women inside, then blocked all the exits.

He continued his conquests and at the end of his life, considering that it was his best move, built this funeral site including the statues of the 8000 soldiers he had trapped.

The conflict with the Uyighurs is still not resolved.

Moai, Rapa Nui, Easter Island

Location: Eastern Island
Artist: Unknown
Year: 1400s
Height: 70 feet

Legend has it that giant women visited from outer space came to teach the natives, then left in a hurry, leaving their dildos behind. Carved from compressed volcano ash, Moai statues were built somewhere around the 1400s to honor these legendary beings and their amazing toys.

The natives of Rap Nui Island still consider these statues to be a source of power, pleasure and spiritual energy for their people.

There are 900 completed Moai, and more than 300 incomplete ones discovered so far. Unfortunately, nowadays the dildos are no longer recognizable: tourists have had fun carving heads into the monoliths.

The Mother Calls, Volgograd

Country: Russia
Artist: Yevgeny Vuchetich
Year: 1959-67
Height: 279 ft

Long before the beatniks and their famous "Make love, not war", this statue commemorated the fervent call of Russian women to their men: we don't want to give birth to beings to end up on the battlefield! Don't count on us anymore, our dildos are enough for us!

The fact that it is the highest statue in the world was not enough. Ironically, the Battle of Stalingrad took place under the statue. Instead of turning the swords into ploughshares, the Soviet authorities replaced the dildo with a sword and renamed the statue "Call of the Motherland".

Apollo and Daphne, Rome

Country: Rome
Creator: Gian Lorenzo Bernini
Year: 1625

This statue was commissioned by an ardent patron of the arts, Cardinal Scipione Borghese, with the sole task of illustrating the story of Apollo and Daphne. After having researched extensively on the mores of Olympus, Bernini brilliantly illustrated how men and gods are slaves to their desires, and controlled by women.

Despite the fact that very few artists have been able to sculpt both male and female figures with such perfection, the statue did not suit the cardinal. Poor Bernini had, once again, to make a new statue.

The politically correct version, showing Apollo in rut pursuing Daphne with his ardor, is on display at the Galleria Borghese, the most esteemed gallery in Rome.